jannypanties

you see, the thing about your brain not working is that it confuses you.

it turns your mind into a river of sludge, the kind that looks shallow and clear but really when you step into it your leg sinks in to your hip and your shoe gets sucked off never to be found again. you have to push your thoughts through it. they become little air bubbles that you have to force around from one place to another to make connections, unable to see what direction they are going or even if they are up or down. thinking is a slow motion action better suited to time lapse filming than working a full time job and living your life. sure, your worries still flutter over the surface of your mind like panicked moths, their fears and concerns on fragile wings filling what little space is not fuzzy bog. but the endless lists and monologue that runs in your head just. slows down. Instead of get milk call family buy cheese dogfood puppy training supplies start bacteria cultures write labnotes refill meds make doctor appointment call insurance feed the dog, it becomes, make dinner for brother on monday. take sewing bag on tuesday. go to work early wednesday. and then suddenly it's thursday and you realize you haven't refilled your medicine since Sunday (or is it Saturday?) and you can't get out of bed so you spend the whole day thinking maybe you really did break something in your head this year afterall.

medicine doesn't make this go away. it makes it easier to swim in the shallow water and not get sucked into the depths below.