On My Own

This may fall under "oversharing" or "TMI" or "just shut the hell up already, I've hidden you from my news feed" and that's okay. These are just thoughts in my head, I am just putting them down. Usually I write them down and just delete them, but I will share this time.

Life right now is filled with a pervading sense of missing. Not of friendships, of which I have many, or love, as I know that I am surrounded by more people who love me than at any other time, and that bears me up. The missing is companionship. I'm sure there is a paragraph in there somewhere about the differences and similarities of friendship and companionship, but for once I'm not going to muse on it.

The missing, is companionship. And yes, I know. This story is as old as time. I know. This is another stage of breaking up, a natural state of humankind; I am aware of that and wary of giving into that. I will keep my distance as much as possible while I am rebounding. I don't want to end up marrying the first guy who flashes his blue eyes at me and says I'm pretty. I know that I need to take my time.

That said, I liked being married. I did. I miss being an "us." I miss belonging to someone I respected and loved and loved me back. I miss the inside jokes, the shared thoughts, the rhythm of give and take that the two of you know beat by beat. I still have times when my left hand tells me I forgot to put my rings on. Times when I pick up my phone, and realize I don't have anyone to call.

Recently I told a friend, "You might be on your own now, but you aren't alone." When a relationship ends, you have to pack yourself up and start meeting your own needs. What makes that easier is by surrounding yourself with friends and family so that you aren't alone. But I would be lying if I said I don't find it lonely. Which isn't to say that being alone equates with loneliness. You could be in a relationship and still be lonely, or on your own and not be lonely at all. I am one of the lonely.

I miss the connection. Of being understood without having to explain yourself. Of being in a crowded room and knowing his eyes and thoughts are only for you. Of having a moment of insecurity, and then remembering that you have an anchor. I miss being all of those things to someone.

Caution is my game now. I have gone through Shock, and Anger, and Depression. At all of those stages I had wonderful, loving friends to witness it, to take care of me, to keep me company. This is something that my friends can't fix, and I don't want my loneliness to be the reason I fall in love with someone and have it be the wrong relationship. Or worse, to have them fall for me, and hurt them and have it be my fault for crashing into their lives with my reckless emotional attachment. I am Cautious, because I know where this could lead and has led. Ryan is a great guy, truly, he has flaws but so do we all. He just wasn't the guy for me. And I want the guy who is for me.

And yet.

I miss rainy Saturday mornings in bed, curled together under the blanket, a loving presence warm against my back and an arm over me, holding my hand, falling back to sleep.


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