"Stronger Than Me"

So you closed your eyes in the morning
You said you want to start smoking again
You said you had that dream last night
Of the stranger in your room
You said you want to start making new friends
Well I'd found some peace
You want release
You must be stronger than me

I don't know how you can take it
Invest your heart and then you break it
I don't know how you can set it free
You must be stronger than me
Set it up but it's not perfect
Tear it down cause it's not worth it
If someone else can light your mystery
They must be stronger than me

So I closed my eyes at midnight
Cinderella must go home
But the map was burned
And I've taken a wrong turn
And I found myself alone
I'm tired of this war
I don't want to fight no more
You must be stronger than me

So it's too late then
You could have told me when
Living died and passion lied
Now you're a refugee
Well if it's what you need
Run away from the truth you see
You must be stronger than

mmmmm..... beeeeer.....

happy room

in dreams

i had the worst night of sleep in a long time

i dreamt. long dreams, frightening nightmares. and i wasn't wearing any pants.

do you know how awkward it is to watch people slaughter each other while you aren't wearing pants?

pretty awkward.

YES

did you know that you can buy mugs from Zazzle with UrbanDictionary.com definitions on them????


now you know what to get me for christmas.




Custom Urban Dictionary mug from Zazzle.com

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business versus art

http://gapingvoid.com/books/
found this site from a post on dudecraft (which rules)

Companies that squelch creativity can no longer compete with companies that champion creativity.

i had a really bad year

really bad.
i blogged a bunch about it to my close friends.
only certain people could read about it.
now i want to leave that behind.
i archived all of that, and i'm putting the panties back out there.
time for another beginning.

i really did break something in my head

i told R i thought maybe something really did break in my head this year.

he said he thinks it happened last year.

at least he agrees.

you see, the thing about your brain not working is that it confuses you.

it turns your mind into a river of sludge, the kind that looks shallow and clear but really when you step into it your leg sinks in to your hip and your shoe gets sucked off never to be found again. you have to push your thoughts through it. they become little air bubbles that you have to force around from one place to another to make connections, unable to see what direction they are going or even if they are up or down. thinking is a slow motion action better suited to time lapse filming than working a full time job and living your life. sure, your worries still flutter over the surface of your mind like panicked moths, their fears and concerns on fragile wings filling what little space is not fuzzy bog. but the endless lists and monologue that runs in your head just. slows down. Instead of get milk call family buy cheese dogfood puppy training supplies start bacteria cultures write labnotes refill meds make doctor appointment call insurance feed the dog, it becomes, make dinner for brother on monday. take sewing bag on tuesday. go to work early wednesday. and then suddenly it's thursday and you realize you haven't refilled your medicine since Sunday (or is it Saturday?) and you can't get out of bed so you spend the whole day thinking maybe you really did break something in your head this year afterall.

medicine doesn't make this go away. it makes it easier to swim in the shallow water and not get sucked into the depths below.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

This is my wood, these are my paths.

if

10 days without sleep meds. i don't have the energy to exclaim tgif, so i'm going with just if. roll with me.

i miss him

one of the brighest stars in my life. the person who gave us a second family. gone 5 months, and i miss him.

his parents and family walked for him this weekend. i wish i had known. he had 9 candles there, but he has a thousand more in my heart.

wurk

i dreamt i quit work last night

we had a meeting with our manager to complain about the project leader, and she told us to suck it up.

so i just got up and walked out.

then i came back and smashed shit up a bunch.

and then i left again.

hah.