Fear

Essay 4: Fear

Take a deep breath, I think to myself, with my pulse racing and my heart beating so hard I can feel it in my temples. Sounds from the hallway filter through the closed door, and I know I shouldn't be here in this side room; if I am found, they will assume I was sleeping on the job. A panic attack will sound like an excuse to them, and a poor one at best. But I have to get control. My presentation starts in less than an hour, and my hands are shaking.

I take a few deep breaths, and I can feel the air shuddering in and out as my shakes and racing heart threaten to overwhelm me. I feel cold all over, almost numb but am aware that I am also sweating. I shut my eyes, lean my head back, and recall the things I have read and learned about controlling anxiety attacks. I get a firmer mental grip and force myself to clear my head. I picture my head as a place filled with nothing, only blackness, and focus on that image until my breathing slows.

Then I begin my deep breathing, inhaling in for two counts, out for two counts. I breathe in and out. I narrow my focus only to the darkness I imagine behind my eyes and the sound of my breathing. Some of these techniques I learned from researching sleep disorders, since my rampant insomnia has thrown me. Some I learned back in college during a class on Buddhism where we were taught meditation techniques. A few I have picked up purely from experience. I use every method now, one after the other, to calm the clamoring in my mind.

In a while, I will face an auditorium of my peers and superiors. I will give an admittedly short presentation on new changes regarding the handling of infectious waste materials. My voice will quiver, I will speak too quickly, and I will end on the verge of nervous tears. But these exercises right now will at least get me there and get me through. I won't back out, or whisper through my slides, or choke up and get only part of the information out there. My fear used to control me entirely, but I am learning to control my fear.